We all have lost someone. We all go through the test of loss because this test has been intertwined into the very fabric of the life on this earth. Without a doubt we will test you with loss of people. Those are Allah's words. His promise. He has allowed us to live so closely and then rips us apart in a sudden moment. It leaves you speechless. It leaves you with this gaping hole in your chest and an emptiness that you struggle to fill. This grief that we all feel, we try everything to make it go away. We try so very hard to be busy the entire day and stem the tide of thoughts that threatens to overwhelm you. Then as night hits , a simple reminder has you on your knees all over again. As we experience our own grief we are being tested by Allah. Tested on our response in that moment. Will we remember that without a doubt we belonged to Allah? Tested in our reliance and faith ,will our grief make us lose hope in Alláh? Will it allow us to remember the purpose of the test? The loss of our loved ones is to remind us that we only ever had Allah. As we grief we sometimes lose focus of the test of grief and we react in ways that make us fail these moments. We struggle to understand why Allah who is so completely merciful would take away our loved ones. We begin to question and we find our hearts drifting away from Allah in the time when we need him the most. We can become so focused on our own grief and belittle the grief of others. We begin to focus on the loss itself yet we stop looking at the purpose behind it.
Lessons in grief :
1. Don't Rush your Grief.
Grief does not look or feel the same for every person. It can slow some people down ,yet it can make others live more meaningful lives. As those around us grief, allow them the space to build a connection to Allah. As eyes fill with tears we often think that this means that a person has lost faith and we rush to remove the tears. Allah has placed the tears and the ability to express our grief and as your mouth repeats in total acceptance انا لله وانا اليه راجعون most Certainly to Allah we belong and to Him is our return, we have to allow our hearts the time to come to this exact same realisation. The acceptance that the loss was designed by Allah as a test . Grief lasts a lifetime for the test of building Your faith takes a lifetime to perfect.
2. Our response to others in the time of grief should never be quantified by our own experiences. We all feel,deeply and totally but never the exact same. So our response can never be the same. Our words of condolences should stem from the guidance of the words of The Holy Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم . We often say the wrong things at this moment. The pinnacle of the test of faith is the response to the test ,and our words can make or break someone. We often say to people who lost a husband , inshallah you will marry soon. Or in a loss of a son we say ,don't worry you are young you have time for more. In our desire to comfort we say things that often take people away form the focus of the test. ان لله ما اخذ وله ما أعطى Most certainly to Allah is that which he has taken back and to Him belongs that which He has given . وكل شىء عنده راجل مسمى And every single thing has a fixed time (until it has to be returned) فلتصبر ولتحتسب so build your patience in the time of adversity whilst having complete conviction in the reward you attain in this moment. These are the words used by Nabi صلى الله عليه وسلم when He comforted. He focused the attention of those who grieve onto the the test of the loss. Onto Allah. Who has taken back what is His but in that test if you bear it with patience your rewards and closesness to Allah are unimaginable. At the same time He reminds the one who is consoling the grieved one, وله ما أعطى just as Allah has taken every person who is still with you also belongs to Allah. The lesson of grief is to build your faith that we are all going back. Just as you comfort today, tomorrow you might be the one being comforted.
3. Don't cheapen you loss by giving it to people. When I lost my mother , a close friend said to me you really speak a lot about your mother. It had been three days since she had passed. Three days. Yet she was tired of hearing about a person so beloved to me a lifetime of words can never explain it. Yet I had made a mistake. I had taken my loss and my pain and the relationship that only Allah knew the closeness and what it had meant to me. And I had placed it in the hands of people. I began to put that loss to Allah. Speaking to Him in Sajdah ,crying , bawling my soul out. Raging. And then finally realising that those moments of closeness to Him in sujood were the actual reason for the loss. He takes away your beloved ones to bring you back to Him. To find that utter surrender in knowing that He is Allah and He is your only focus. Don't cheapen your grief by giving to people. They will tire. Place it infront of Allah who will treasure that pain and allow it to build your faith and your closesness to Him.